Since we had to sell our longtime home four years ago, we’ve lived in three more houses: two rentals and now the little house we just bought. And one of the interesting things we’ve learned on this journey is that each place felt like home rather quickly. Considering we moved out of state, this really surprised me, because each time we had to get used to a new town, new library and stores, new church, etc.

But what I finally realized is that home is wherever our family is gathered together. I recall a Christmas soon after we left Illinois. Four of us were living in Door County, our eldest was in Chicago and our son and daughter-in-law were in Missouri. Rather than have them trek up north, we rented a hotel suite in Illinois so all of us could gather there for Christmas. Never before had we exchanged Christmas gifts in a hotel! Yet it felt like home because all of us were there together.

Many people are being forced to move in this economy. Some are downsizing like we’ve had to do. In fact, someone very close to me has gone from owning two lovely homes and a tract of land in an island paradise to living in a tiny rental townhouse. It’s a painful process, no doubt about it. But once you discover that being together is the most important thing, you can get past your material losses and realize that the real gift is being with those you love.

Back in the 80s, when country decorating was all the rage, there were lots of folksy wall plaques emblazoned with geese or quilt blocks along with the saying “Home is Where the Heart Is.” Now those plaques look kind of dated and cheesy, but the saying is true: if you’re surrounded by your family, you’re home, no matter where you are.

Am I the only person who thinks these people could take advantage of their downtime by homeschooling their kids? Given the state of the schools today, it seems like a win-win situation: the unemployed person finds something worthwhile to do with their days, and their child or teen actually learns a few things by working with their parent. Many of these parents aren’t going to find a job anytime soon. Given the changes in our economy, homeschooling might even turn out to be a long-term solution for both parent and child.

After all, homeschooling isn’t that hard, and teaching a child can be done much more efficiently at home than in a classroom of 30 students (62 if you live in Detroit.) Considering that many high schools students now text their way through class, it’s pretty easy to learn more at home than at school these days.

With all the great educational tools available in public libraries and on the Internet (for instance, there’s a nice free math and science education just waiting for young people right here), what can the schools do for kids today that we parents can’t? (Please don’t tell me that football games and proms are essential, because an entire generation of homeschooled adults have shown that they aren’t!)

Some people believe that the public schools are already going down, as Gary North has stated in his excellent article on the subject. The quality of education continues its slide into the abyss, and funding is likely to be cut, thanks to the financial problems most states and the Feds are struggling with.

I think that dying schools and unemployed parents could be blessings in disguise for American families. Unemployed parents who decide to take advantage of their newly found free time to facilitate their children’s learning can develop closer relationships with them while giving them a better, more individualized education that they can get in school. At the same time, they’ll combat the demoralizing feelings that come with being unemployed because they’ll be spending their days doing something that’s important and personally rewarding. They may even find that they feel better about themselves than they did when they were employed. Win-win, indeed!

My son and his wife both have jobs that they love and in which they’re successful. Work takes up enough of their lives that they have to commit to spending time together. It doesn’t just happen. This is a lesson we all learn sooner or later, but they’re learning it right now; so far they appear to be keeping up with the balancing act.

But at some point they’re going to want children, and that’s when the balancing act becomes more complex. Men in particular feel the need to excel at their jobs in order to feed, clothe and shelter their growing families. But sometimes they can become so involved with their jobs that work takes priority over their families, and they can’t see it.

That’s what happened to Sir Richard Attenborough, the acclaimed British actor and director. Over the course of his life, he achieved fame and fortune while staying married to his wife Sheila (for over 60 years!), with whom he had three children.

While on vacation in 2004, his daughter and granddaughter died in the tsunami that hit the areas around the Indian Ocean. This tragedy forced Sir Richard to reassess the way he spent his life (as excerpted from his autobiography):

When I look back, I see the whole of my adult life crammed with ceaseless activity. But in all my roles as actor, director, producer, charity fundraiser, chairman of this, president of that, I’ve always been aware that it was Sheila, not me, who held us together as a family.

Yet, eternally optimistic and, to a degree, selfish and egocentric, I always believed in a future when I would make it up to the children. In determining the allotment of my time between public and private, work always took precedence.

Supposedly, weekends were set aside for the family. But not as conscientiously as I would now wish. If it needed a Saturday morning to conclude some business, then I took it.

When we lost Ginny – my nickname for Jane – and Luce, that opportunity was gone, never to be recovered. And that has changed my relationship with those who are left to the extent that I will do anything to be with them and we spend much more time together.

I can talk to people about Jane now, although sometimes I can’t get the words out. I can also see her. I can feel her touch. I can hear her coming into a room. She comes in laughing or excited or determined, but always full of commitment. That was the very essence of Jane – commitment.

And music. After they died, I started to hear music in my head all the time. Handel is Jane; Puccini is Lucy. I can no longer turn on the radio or listen to CDs because they clash with their music in my head.

Just thinking about Jane now, I am listening to the Messiah: I know that my redeemer liveth. How about that? Me, an agnostic.

I have, I know, been one of the privileged creatures on this Earth, not just slightly but hugely privileged. Even as early as my mid-20s, I was aware of leading a charmed life.

I won a scholarship to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Then, unlike many of my contemporaries, I survived the war unscathed and went on to marry the most wonderful girl in the world.

My career blossomed in so many different areas. I had fame, fortune and good friends.

I became a knight, an ambassador, a president, a commandeur and a chevalier, several kinds of chairman, a university chancellor and latterly a lord. And although I now have hearing aids in both ears and my heart is ticking courtesy of a pacemaker, I have made it to my mid-80s.

Before the tsunami, I had always thought of myself as a sort of ridiculous male Mary Poppins, the eternal optimist whose glass is always half full. But, after the loss of my daughter and granddaughter, nothing would ever be the same again.

In case you’re wondering, yes, I did send this to my son And as a side note, isn’t it interesting that Sir Richard hears “The Messiah” in his head….how do you suppose that got there?

At that time, my kids were 7, 9, 15 and 16. The older kids were already so busy that we knew it would only get harder to fit in a big vacation before they went off to college or moved out on their own. It was a bittersweet feeling, knowing this would probably be our last family trip with all four kids together.

I spent months planning that two-week vacation, using the relatively new Internet (and our snail-paced dial-up connection) to find reasonably priced hotels and scout out attractions in our chosen destination of Florida. An added bonus was that we’d be able to visit my 101-year-old great aunt in West Palm Beach; we hadn’t seen her in years and she had never seen our youngest two children.

The trip was great. We stayed on the beach, witnessed an early morning shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral, had a joyous visit with my aunt, and even got to visit some homeschooling friends in Kentucky en route. We sure made some wonderful memories.

While on the trip, I saved every bit of memorabilia I could: ticket stubs, attraction passes, even the hotel maps we were given to find our rooms. I had plans for a fantastic scrapbook to keep our memories in one place. I’d never scrapbooked before, but I bought cute, vacation-themed supplies so I could assemble a beautiful scrapbook that I hoped would become a family keepsake.

Not long after we got back home, my nine-year-old asked if she could put the scrapbook together. An innocent request to be sure, but to her perfectionist first-born (sorry for the redundancy) mom, it was startling. Give up control over the ultimate souvenir, the holder of memories of our last trip as a family?

I don’t know if I was just tired, or if this was the point in my life where I finally accepted that I didn’t have to be in control of everything. But I said yes.

Today my youngest son and I looked at that scrapbook. It’s adorable! Our daughter’s personality is all over it, but every member of the family is represented, and it’s wonderful. Flipping through the book is a hoot, with the unevenly cropped photos and the comments written in a nine-year-old’s scrawl.

It’s a much more interesting scrapbook than I would have come up with. I’m so glad that I let go of that project and gave it to my daughter.

That thread might be about getting teens to follow through on assignments, or how to handle friends and relatives opposed to homeschooling, or (in the most recent bunch) how to juggle homeschooling, homemaking and preschoolers without losing your mind.

Maybe the popularity of this latest topic stems from the fact that it’s February and everyone’s been cooped up indoors for months and they’re getting tired of it. But juggling the kids, the house and homeschooling can be stressful; how well I know that from my own experience.

Looking back on the days when I was running back and forth between the big kids, the little kids and the washing machine, I recall that it seemed that there was no solution to my problem. Some (particularly any negative friends and relatives you might have) think the solution is to send the kids to school. But that wouldn’t work for me because I never considered putting any of my kids in school. It seemed to me that would be punishing them because I couldn’t hack it. I just felt that I wasn’t keeping up because I hadn’t yet figured out how to do this the right way.

Of course, now I know there is no right way. You can usually find a way that will work for a while, but once you get used to things going better, something changes with your schedule, or your kids, or you get pregnant, and it’s all up in the air again.

Ultimately, I found that there were several things I could do to help myself through the rough spots. First off, I prayed for guidance, regularly and often through tears. I mean, if God led us to homeschooling (and I believed and still believe that He did) then He could surely teach me how to do it, right?

Next, I asked my husband for ideas. The truth is that I wasn’t always as receptive to his ideas as I should have been, but he did come up with some good ones. For example, he’s the one who figured out what I could do when our 18-month old started taking apart the house while I sat nursing our newborn, who had a voracious appetite and went ballistic if I put him down so I could pull Miss Toddler off the curtains. My dh suggested buying some quiet activity-type toys that she could only use while sitting at the high chair during baby’s nursing time. This worked very well and helped get us all through that particularly frustrating period of time.

I also found that I needed to think about our schedule, and what I could change to make our days run more smoothly. I also had to ask myself some tough questions, including:

Are we spending too much time on homeschooling, considering my kids’ ages?

Do we need to switch from a formal curriculum to something less structured? (Or, once in a while, do we need to add more structure to our day?)

Are my preschoolers getting enough rest time? (Rest time, by the way, was the main reason I didn’t lose my marbles in the days when I had four kids under 10. Rest time was the successor to nap time, when everyone had to take a nap after lunch, thus giving us all a break from each other, giving me some much needed peace and quiet, and giving the kids some rest so they weren’t so keyed up later in the day, when Dad came home from work.)

Do any of the kids need help with behavior issues, and am I being consistent with discipline? (This is another area where my dh was a huge help. We learned early on to present a united front to the kids, which really helped, especially once we had teens who liked to argue.)

Eventually, I realized that our life went through stages of working and not working. When things stopped working, I learned not to become depressed or freak out, but to instead look at what was happening and figure out what kind of changes I needed to make.

This process continued the entire time we had kids at home, and it still continues. These days, with only two left at home and only one of them still being homeschooled, the problems have more to do with scheduling than behavior, although being menopausal, behavior is sometimes a problem with me. 

So, if you’re getting ready to write me an email or call me to ask how you’re supposed to homeschool and make supper and keep the toddlers off the window treatments, reread this post and think about the changes you need to make at home so that things run more smoothly. Pray about it. Brainstorm with your husband. Come up with some new things to try, and be patient while you watch for results. And never forget that this too shall pass. Sooner than you can imagine, those kids that are driving you nuts will be grown and on their own, and you’ll be grappling with other questions, like, where did all this gray in my hair come from, and why does it feel like tweezing stray facial hairs has become my new part-time job?

I met Bobbi Bandy nearly 15 years ago, after she and her family joined our church. We got to know each other through a weekly women’s Bible study class, where I was wowed by her knowledge of Scripture and her love of it. The fact that she daily cared for her disabled adult son as well as four younger children in their teens and preteens made her a something of a role model for me. Over the years I’ve been blessed by her example and her friendship.

Concordia Publishing House recently published Bobbi’s book A Mother’s Search for Meaning: The Dance Goes On…. It’s the amazing story of how God used Bobbi’s son Rob to spiritually grow Bobbi and her husband Phil, as well as others that Rob touched during his lifetime.

As the mother of a developmentally disabled young man, I highly recommend this book to those who have someone with special needs in their lives. Yet I also recommend it to those who have never known or loved someone who is mentally and/or physically disabled, as it clearly demonstrates that God has a purpose for everyone’s life, even those who are viewed as imperfect by the world.  

I recently interviewed Bobbi. I believe her witness will be a real blessing to you:

Rob was your first child, born when you and Phil weren’t all that old yourselves.  Was there anything in your background or Phil’s that prepared you for the birth of a child with disabilities?  If not, how did you cope?

Most of us would have a hard time describing the ways we have been equipped for the life we live in Christ; whenever we give credit, the first must be to HIM before all others. My heart was made tender through the miracles of Jesus: the healings and tenderness that He had for those born blind, mute, and lame that I learned about in Sunday school as a child. 

There were significant times in my life when I thought I was meant to see things of importance.  Phil and I both had contact with children who had contracted polio and who struggled physically. I think that was the first time that I thought about how thankful I should be to have the mobility that I had.  When I was in first grade, a class member’s teenage sister was killed in a car accident and I realized how fragile our existence is. (We both grew up accepting and appreciating differences of ability and age to the credit of our parents.)  One of my college classes took me to a residence for handicapped adults and the memory of them stays with me to this day.  I do believe God was equipping me for the gift of Rob’s life, though I wasn’t able to see it at the time. 

In your book, you wrote that when Rob was born,”…we grieved over the loss of the life we had dreamed of, the man we thought he should have become.”  This type of grieving is common in parents who have a newborn with special needs.  What can you say to these parents, given your own experience with Rob? 

If we rely on our own wisdom and our own knowledge in such circumstances we will most assuredly miss the mark.  Our dreams are not God’s plan.  His plan is greater than our dreams.  As I stated in the book, “Later, after God had revealed His better plan for us and we had seen the beauty and goodness of His ways over our dreams, we grieved the loss of the life we had come to love and value and cherish.”  To parents I would say give yourself time to determine the meaning of the struggles you now experience.  A life has to be fully lived to be fully understood.

You dealt with the pain of secondary infertility for years after Rob’s birth, but you eventually had Elisabeth, Bryan and your twins, Katherine and Christine. After that, you became immersed in the very busy family life that resulted from having five children.  What advice can you give to other mothers about juggling so many responsibilities, particularly when you’re also caring for a child with special needs? 

Because of the ten years between his birth and the births of our other children, Rob’s routines were well established.  Until our move to the Chicago area, he attended school from morning till early afternoon, which gave me time to spend with the younger members of the family; later the younger ones participated in Rob’s care.  We learned to savor the joys of each and every one of our children.  Rob added such a dimension to our family that no other child did, but each of our children added personality, ability, character, love, and life unique to who God created them to be. Rob’s life actually helped us to appreciate each child for who they are. 

My best advice would be to try to see what is really essential in each child’s life and try to let go of the trivial.  Read together, say prayers together, have family dinners together-share your life with them.  Remember that the high demand days will not last forever, but once they’re gone they cannot be recovered.  Everyday is a memory for your child and for you. Determine to make them ones to be cherished rather than ones to regret.

You were told that Rob would only live to his early teens, but God gave you and Phil 30 years with him before taking him home.  It hard to believe it’s been ten years since that day, but how well I recall Rob’s funeral, with its unmistakably clear message of celebration, of both Rob’s life and of the One who created Rob.  You once told me how much you you’ve missed caring for Rob since then.  What are the blessings of caring for a disabled adult child?

The first that comes to mind is the sense of servant mentality that completely takes over.  Next comes an awareness of the things of this world that would entice us away from the servant role: fame, fortune, beauty, power, intellectualism.  Caring for and loving Rob on a daily basis helped us to see that the greater things were peace, humility, and love.

Soon after our son was born with Down syndrome, I read that in more than half of all marriages where there is a special needs child, one spouse (usually the husband) will leave the marriage because of an inability to cope with the realities involved in having such a child. In your book, you shared that Phil comforted you after discovering the extent of Rob’s physical problems by hugging you and saying, “There has to be a reason.”  Today Phil is a highly esteemed elder in the church and a loving husband, father and grandfather.  How did God use Rob to grow Phil as a husband, father and Christian?

God brought Phil to his knees.  He brought us both to our knees.  Every parent wants to be able to provide for all the needs of their children.  When we are placed in situations where all the needs cannot be met through us, we have two choices: to give up because the task is overwhelming or to look up and accept a greater power.   

After Rob’s birth, you (a Christian since childhood) did not attend church for many years.  Yet today, you’re one of the strongest Christian women I’ve known.  Would you mind sharing a bit about how God used your circumstances to bring you to where you are today, and what He will do for others going through very tough times?

The seeds of faith were planted deep in my heart from my baptism, His gift to me.  God has always spoken to my heart and called me even when I was unfaithful.  The process He used to draw me closer wasn’t an easy one after I wandered but it was a personal one–He bent down and touched me, embraced me, and comforted me when I was the most broken and vulnerable. Brokenness became the door through which He would fully enter.  He became very real to me in my sorrow.  

I’m reminded of this as I think about so many young people who are ‘wandering’ in our families throughout our country.  I’m reminded and reassured that God is faithful even when we are not. 

I was delighted to learn recently that you’ve begun working at a job for which you’re uniquely suited, thanks to your life experience as Rob’s mom.  It’s a wonderful example of how God weaves His tapestry and uses us for His purposes.  Please tell us about your new job!

I’m privileged to be working in a contained classroom of children with special needs in a local school.  I feel like everything has come full circle since Rob’s passing.  After his death I wrote my thoughts about his life and their meaning so that my children would remember the value and importance of their brother’s life.  The writing helped me process all the years and events. 

I then worked for nine years as a preschool teacher, working with 4- and 5-year-olds.  Tracing hands, encouraging young minds, planting seeds filled my days. But it was always the child who was struggling, the child who couldn’t connect, the child who needed more who really called out to me in the classroom.  So now I’m home again, back to where God seems to have a place for me.

Thank you so much, Bobbi, for taking the time to answer these questions. I encourage everyone to read Bobbi’s wonderful book, A Mother’s Search for Meaning: The Dance Goes On…

As if that wasn’t enough, somehow she found the time to feed the less fortunate:

“Grandma was a God-fearing woman her whole life, and her door was always open to the homeless and poor near the market who were looking for a place to eat,” said the grandchild of Krishevsky, who lived almost all her life near the Mahane Yehuda, Jerusalem’s open-air market.”

Wow….now that’s what I call a legacy!

Of course, I think that’s a good thing. But I have to be honest and admit that (speaking only for myself, of course) being the kind of person who takes the bull by the horns means that I tend to think that I’m in control.

Psychologically, I know I’m not in control of everything, but sometimes my behavior suggests otherwise. Growing up as the oldest of four girls who was often held responsible for the behavior of her sisters probably didn’t help.

To make matters worse, after many years of being a homeschooling parent, I got used to being in charge of so many things: what my family ate, what they wore, what books and curriculum my kids used…..every single day. Then, as my kids left home, I had to learn to let them go, and it wasn’t (and still isn’t) always easy.

Perhaps that’s why the title of this book by Tim Sanford got my attention: Losing Control and Liking It: How to Set Your Teen (and Yourself) Free
The subtitle caught my eye more for the reference to setting myself free than setting my teens free, and that’s what made me buy the book.

It was worth the money. Not only did it encourage me in the process of letting my kids go, but it helped me see that wanting to be in control of anything beyond myself can be a great burden, one I was not created to bear.

This is true not only in my relationships with my teens and adult children, but also with relatives, friends and others. This book speaks to the need for taking responsibility for your own behavior without taking responsibility (or letting someone force it on you) for someone else’s.

The method Sanford, a Christian counselor, recommends to make such distinctions helps with problems such as coworkers who expect you to bail them out on their deadlines as well as teens who blame you because you didn’t wake them up in time to get to an appointment.

Sanford also devotes a section to worry and anxiety, the root causes of many parents’ desire to control their teens and even their adult children. Christian homeschooling parents are especially susceptible to this. We’ve often been told by others in the Christian homeschooling community that if we do our job just the right way, we’ll raise fantastic Christian children. Sanford explains why that’s a) not possible, and b) not our job as parents.

He also touches on the concept of God’s rules: Biblical commands, specific Biblical principles and general Biblical principles. I think a misunderstanding of the distinctions between those three groups is probably at the root of most disagreements between homeschooling families, and has caused some of the discord I’ve seen in homeschool support groups.

It’s interesting that this book was published by Focus on the Family. My husband and I are big fans of Dr. James Dobson’s books on raising children; he’s an advocate for purposeful discipline of young children. But I don’t think he spent a lot of time explaining how to transition from diligent discipline of young children to letting go of teens. Maybe I just missed the book where he did so. But this book is really helpful for that, and I wish I could have read it 15 years ago, before my older kids entered their teens. Sanford’s explanation of parental control vs. parental influence would have been particularly helpful to me back then.

I liked this book so much I read it twice. I didn’t agree with everything in it, but I found a lot of food for thought, and some reassurance, too. It’s an especially helpful book for homeschooling parents.

You can read the first chapter of this book here. But don’t do it just because I suggested it. After all, I’m not responsible for what you choose to do  ;)

It’s good to be back online, even though I have no business doing so since I’m surrounded by boxes and chaos everywhere I look.  But sometimes you just have to take a little break here and there to keep your sanity.

If you’ve ordered a book directly from us, bear with us. The printer isn’t hooked up yet (don’t know where it is but it has to be around here somewhere!) so we can’t print invoices and shipping tickets. We’ll get your order out soon, I promise.

Dd18 begins tech college on Monday, and soon after that I’ll start another year of homeschooling, but this time with only one child, our youngest, ds16. What a strange feeling! I’ve been homeschooling at least two children for so long that I can’t remember what it’s like having only one child to work with!

This year we’re homeschooling in a new place. We loved living in Door County, Wisconsin the past two years. While the area we just moved to is not nearly as scenic (not many places in the Midwest can compare to Door County!), it’s three hours closer to friends and family, including our adult children. So that’s a big plus 

The house we just moved into was built in 1920. It has only ever had two owners. The first was a school teacher who never married. The second is our landlord, and she’s also a school teacher. I think having homeschoolers in this house will be a nice change of pace! It’s a very pretty house with high ceilings, original woodwork and lots of character.

We’ve never lived in a city before and never lived in a historic district, so this is a continuation of our adventure of living in new places, which began when we left suburbia two years ago for life in a vacation town between a bay and one of the Great Lakes. Once we get settled in, I think we’re going to like it here. But we’ll never get settled in if I don’t go back to unpacking boxes, so offline I go……

Today my husband and I celebrate 30 years of marriage 

I don’t know where that time went, or how we got old enough to be married 30 years, because when I look at him, he still looks like my boyfriend. But numbers don’t lie.

For me, it’s been a remarkable time, full of fun and challenges and all sorts of things I never expected. Soon after we began dating, I told him I didn’t want to get serious with a guy because I had big plans to be a reporter in New York City, with my own apartment and a baby blue Chevy Camaro (17-year-olds are nothing if not dreamers!) Instead, I’ve spent the bulk of our marriage as a stay-at-home, work-at-home mom. I’m grateful that it worked out this way.

The odds were against us from the beginning. Firstborns aren’t supposed to marry each other because of their perfectionist tendencies, and supposedly people who marry young don’t have good odds for lasting marriages either. I’ve also read that there’s a pretty high divorce rate among parents of special needs kids.

But statistics mean nothing when it comes to God. He brought us together, and kept us together. There’s really no other explanation.

The past 30 years haven’t always been easy, but there have been far more good times than hard times: watching our kids grow and develop, learn to ride bikes, read and write, dance and play basketball, and later, learn to drive, get jobs, and become independent. Over the course of a few exciting weeks we saw our son graduate from college with honors and marry a nice girl from a Christian family. We pray for happy Christian marriages (if God intends for them to marry) and blessed futures for our daughters, one of whom begins college in a few weeks. And we’re enjoying each sometimes-slow-moving stage of development of our youngest son, who did indeed have Down syndrome and who has brought more joy to our lives than we could ever have imagined.

We look forward to watching our family expand with new family members in the future. Maybe someday someone will call us Grandpa and Grandma. Maybe we’ll even call each other Grandpa and Grandma (grandparents tend to do that, I’ve noticed). But no matter how old we’re allowed to become together, my husband will always be the calm, quiet, stable person in this marriage, my beloved best friend and yes, still my boyfriend.

Thanks, God!